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Well, here I go...this is it and it's the worst feeling...I hate it! Two days ago I was fine...just fine! I just sat in the parking lot of Walmart wiping tears away that I was trying so hard to hold back...but they kept running. Someone just told me I was too much for them to handle right now and they just wanted peace. Oh, had you seen me you would have thought, "She has something in her eye," but with a closer look you would have noticed the hurt, pain, and a heavy feeling of isolation right behind what was said. Why, you ask. Well I'm manic. Yes, I am experiencing a manic episode. I noticed it yesterday. I was talking a mile a minute, I was hyper, and my attention span was short. Right now I literally have 27 tabs opened and I'm back and fourth between them because I can't stay focused. I start things but I don't finish all of them and then I get to the point where I'm overwhelmed so I just stop everything.
What was said to me just made me realize...I've got to go into isolation so I don't upset people although that's truly not my intention. So with manic episodes I try very hard to stay away from people. My energy level can be really high and people generally don't want that high energy around them. When I recognize it I bring it down, but it would be nice if the people who do recognize it, usually before I do, didn't make me feel like they are so annoyed with my behavior...hello...have you considered the fact that I am not aware that I'm manic. Something has to happen for me to step back and say, "Okay, I'm manic." Mania also means being easily agitated and having a quick and sharp tongue, which I have. Sometimes I hear myself talking and I want to get away from me...sometimes I'm thinking, "stop talking," but I can't help it! I can't stop talking, it's like having word vomit.
I wish people would try and understand that I am suffering. That this is not a choice I am making, and that I can't help it. That's what hurts me so much. I am a really caring and giving person...I'm rough on the outside but the people who have taken the time to get to know me and not judge me, they know my heart is BIGGER than most! But I lean on God and he wipes my tears away, but it still hurts. At the end of the day I realize there is nothing I personally can do about it, but people, please do not say, "It's gonna be alright." That cliche means NOTHING to me at the moment. It's better to just say nothing.
You can leave me alone, and stay away from me and not deal with me, and that's your chose. It takes a certain personality type to be able to stay with a person through a manic episode. I always have God, but it would be nice to have someone with me as I deal with this. I just wish I could walk away from me too, like others do...but I can't, I can't leave, so I've just gotta ride this thing out, with lots and lots and lots of prayer.
"When a person is sometimes very productive and then becomes unreasonable or irrational, it may seem more like bad behavior than a sickness."
I've been playing my song over and over and over again because it speaks to me and my current situation, business wise, and this manic episode.
God...Can you hear me...I think I messed up...I don't know what I'm doing anymore...I feel lost...I just need you.
Please know I will be okay...this does pass...
